I ONLY MEANT TO FART (LOS GUEROS)

i've got a guest blogger with me tonight...since my hunny bunny knows this story first hand he's gonna help me write it...so one of my best friends...i'll call him el guero...he tells me this crazy story...now normally when people say "this happened to a friend of mine" they're really telling a story about themselves...this is NOT one of those times...so he tells me that one night he's in bed with his wife...i'll call her la guera...they're busy getting it on and at one point he tells her that he wants to fart in her face...she keeps telling him no, no, no (just like that skank whore amy winehouse in her rehab song)...but la guera is not a skank whore...just to clear that up....el guero finally just decides to mount her and fart...however, he doesn't fart...(here is where my hunny bunny takes over on the blog...)...he bears down and pops a hot steamy deuce right on her forehead. Now la guera starts to scream 'cuz it's hot and it starts to burn. (El guero can't get enough of those habaneros)

Anyway he swears he only meant to fart. I, in the interest of impartial opinions sought out the average man on the street to ask what they thought. I was repulsed and swore never to get drunk in el Guero's casa. I retold this vile tale to the shock and horror of my coworkers. Their reactions, aside from the disgust, was they all thought el guero was planning to pinch one off on the wife's head. I know that as an adult you KNOW when you have one in the chamber. I guess asking to crap on you can lead to an awkward moment in bed so just ask to fart on her and say "it slipped" sorry baby. Yeah that's the ticket. It just shot out by mistake.

that's all we got!!!

HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER

so my 47 year old brother joe calls me from the ambulance cuz he passed out at work and they take him to baylor...you'll understand why i mentioned the age in a little bit...i'm tasked with going to meet him since my office is right down the street from the hospital...when i arrive nurse focker is busy taking his vitals...again, if i new how to post a picture i would put the one i snapped of him in his hospital gown...downright scary...so the nurse leaves and i'm like what happened dude and he says he had a coughing fit at work and he passed out...so i ax him when was the last time he had a regular checkup...he says by regular do you mean going once a month....WTF...no i mean once a year ass munch!...how about NEVER...he's 47 and has never had a regular checkup...so he says he's only 30lbs overweight...aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...he's 270lbs and he's only 30lbs overweight...what fantasyland is he living in...god if you could have seen the look on my face...then, nurse focker comes back in and he proceeds to tell nurse focker that he's only 20lbs overweight...like the nurse can't see for himself how overweight the patient is???!!!!...and where did those other 10lbs go...he lost 10lbs from the time he talked to me till the time he talked to the nurse...unfuckingbelievable...i spent 2 hrs fussing at him...i bet he wished he hadn't called me...then, my sister ginger comes by and we go get sister joe's truck from his job (we call my brothers sisters)...of course i have to drive his truck...there's no air conditioner and the truck smells of sweat...i was so disgusted!!!...so there i am trying to drive this truck and look cute and still text msg everyone the updates on the hospital visit...i'm sure i ran several red lights and the camera captured my plate number...oh, well...it's not my truck...hee-hee...we get back to the hospital and of course sister joe's gf carmen has arrived...now this is a broad that he swears he's gonna break up with but she's his emergency contact at work and they've been "breaking up" for 3 years...oh, well...then, all the blood work and xrays come back so there was no heart attack or diabetes...he just had a "panic" attack...can someone say Tony Soprano...of course they tell him to check with his regular doctor asap...so, we packed up from the hospital and went to the angry dog and had huge cheeseburgers...that's all i've got!

THINGS I HATED AND LOVED THIS PAST WEEK

here's my list of what i fucking hated this past week...

1. can the fucking price of gas keep going up?...
2. if that fake smiling, (think tom cruise and his maniacal smile) marissa on dancing with the stars doesn't get voted off i will stab my eye with a skewer
3. the devil aka oprah

and my list of what i loved this past week...

1. it was my mother's day card that i got on sunday...it was very sweet and so glad my hunny bunny recognized my efforts as a step-mommy
2. ironman...that movie rocked
3. i'm salivating for the new iphone - Oh no!!!!!

that's all i got!

IT'S NOT THE CHICKEN ASSHOLE

i work with this asshole that i will refer to as princess...why?...because he's a bitch...today was jr's last day in facilities cuz he's only here on a detail...so, we take him out to lunch...however, when princess comes around he asks me can he go to lunch with us...i say "no!"...now i've already told this asshole in the past he can't come to lunch with me because he's a complete fucking wreck when it comes to table manners and any kind of manners in general...he treats the wait staff like shit and he makes a complete fucking mess of the table with his nastee habits...what habits are those?...well for starters he likes to make lemonade by axing for a glass of water and a bowl of lemons...he then proceeds to squeeze these lemons into the water the whole time making a complete mess at the table...he just about washes his hands in the water...then, he's got a shit load of napkins strewn about where's he's wiped his nastee hands...and guess what he ALWAYS orders a chicken dish and it's NEVER made to his satisfaction...he starts poking the chicken with his fingers and he sends his dish back EVERY time...when this guy was new to the team he had to shadow me on my projects...i would cringe with embarrassment every time we had to eat because he would make a complete ass of himself in public...well, now he's no longer having to shadow me so i no longer have to put up with his bullshit...i always tell him the truth, not just what's convenient...he knows good and well why he can't come to lunch with me...however, this dick tells the new guy "oh, she doesn't want me to go to lunch because she doesn't like the way i order my food"...are you fucking serious!...i would be okay if he just told the wait staff "hey i like my chicken well done"...but the array of bullshit he brings to the table is just way to much to take...if i haven't already said so i despise this asshole...he's a complete idiot and just about once a week he asks folks how do you spell...(insert any fucking word in the dictionary here ----) and trust me i've axed him many times do you have spell check on your computer...so, it's not the chicken asshole...it's your fucking rude manners and annoying ways that keeps you from being invited to lunch...and just for the record i know ask is not spelled axe and that nastee is spelled nasty...i would hate for someone to think i was an idiot hee-hee...that's all i've got!

OKC

saturday was spent driving my mom to OKC with norma...so crack baby norma was all over my XM radio...as anyone who's been in the car with me for any amount of time knows i can't stand for the radio to be on one station for very long...so, norma was my dj and i kept hollering "DJ" every time i wanted her to change the station...so she gives off this air of being a no nonsense kinda gal...um! who knew she was such a big softie...there's a channel called "sunny" and she kept going back to it because it had music like air supply, james taylor, fleetwood mac...pretty much any guy who doesn't have a set of balls is on that station...who knew norma was such a big pussy when it comes to love songs...that was a real eye opener...i shall now turn my focus to my absolutely obnoxious sister janey...that fucker goes on and on from subject to subject without taking a breath and without letting anyone comment on anything...at one point she axed me "how is jacob holding up"...i'm thinking from what bitch because now i'm his stepmonster...gggrrrr....how is he holding up...what the fuck does that even mean!...at one point i really just wanted to hit her...i took another swig of bourbon and kept right on ignoring her...oh and the kicker she's got this huge gut okay and she's wearing this fucked up shirt that says "original designated hottie"...in her fucking dreams!...of course i took a picture of her in that shirt and if i could figure out how to post it on here i would...now that i've found an outlet for my rants i plan to just let 'er rip on this site hee-hee...that's all i've got!

pink floyd concert

first of all i don't really know pink floyd's music...i know two songs "money" and "we don't need no education"...u know what song i'm talking about...i go to the concert with my husband and 3 of his nerd buddies from work(glen, robbie and damon)...no mystery there why these 3 guys do not have girlfriends...but i'll get back to that...so there's this sea of hippies and stoners all around me...a continuous stream of smoke hangs steady in the air throughout the night...at one point robbie asks me if i want some mushrooms...i'm thinking damn dude we just ate at the burger joint...he then brings out this thing wrapped in what looks like white gauze and tries to hand it to me...i give him a look of disdain because he brings it out of his pockets...if you saw the hideous clothes this guy was wearing you would understand...he looked straight up like a drug dealer and he had dreds...did i mention robbie is white...um!...since i've never seen such a thing "mushrooms" i tell him no thank u only to see glen just about snatch it out of robbie's hands and start chewing it up...i think i threw up a little in my mouth...so they're eating mushrooms and the smoke is really heavy and a good hour goes by before i recognize one song "money"...the concert was fun and they get done singing and there's no "education" song...it was the encore song...so let me just tell u there is nothing more disturbing than seeing 50 year olds hollering "WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION"...what a bunch of freaks...so that song came out when i was in jr high...the dukes of hazaards was a big show during that time...so i used to think the song said "we don't need no education...the dukes of hazaards in the classroom"...oh, well...back to the nerds they had no problem burping or farting in front of me and robbie smelled so foul i swear he's never been introduced to deoderant...that's all i got!

Moni's world

Hello to all of Moni's friends...
I'm setting this blogspot up for Moni because I want all of you to experience the zany ness (sp?) of her world.

She is on a daily hunt for material and this is a good place for her to release all that stuff in her head.

I bear no responsibility for this site!!
Norm