YES, I BUSTED MY ASS...OUCH!

this is moni... norma's been posting here too...we were unable to blog because although we stayed at nice hotels, they did not have business centers and we were wiped out each evening to go look for an internet cafe...eating and drinking beer and wine was waaaaaaayyyyy more important than blogging...anyway, on day five of the ride i busted my ass...we were in what could be described as a forested area..."off road" cycling...i hit a patch of rocks...my bike twisted and i went sliding thru the dirt and rocks...the guide had gone on ahead of me and norma so we were on our own to patch up my busted knee...norma had a first aid kit that i had been carting for four days in my bike pouch...just that morning i had told her i refused to carry the first aid kit around...we don't need it...it's just taking up room in my pouch...well, good for norma telling me she was gonna go ahead and carry it in her pouch...anyway, after i fell i still had to cycle for a good hour out of that area...i was riding on pure adrenaline and fear...we get to the hospital and imagine a place that looks like time had stopped in the year 1950...and i'm probably being generous by giving it that year...the other riders that had seen my knee all said oh yeah, you'll have to get stitches for that...i've never had stitches so i didn't know what to expect...i communicate with the doc thru the cycle guide (Martina) who's interpreting for me...first of all they would not give me anything like a shot to help with the pain...i was told a shot would hurt more than what they would actually do...okie dokie...i lay down on the bed and the doc proceeds to get this scrubbing brush and starts scrubbing the dirt and grit out...i thought i would pass out from the fucking pain...norma will have to give her version of the events...then, the stitching starts...wow, talk about wanting to fucking hit somebody...i was hanging on to Martina's hand for dear life...crying, screaming...she was so awesome holding my hand and patting my head...like a little kid i kept asking her is it almost done?...is it almost done now?...one more stitch monica...then i feel the needle again...what are they doing martina???...sorry monica maybe two more stitches....aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!...i ended up with seven stitches...i can honestly say i've never felt pain like that...yes, i'm a drama queen...diva...but dammit that hurt like fuck...oh, but the best part, after i fell i had to check my hands...i did not break a nail!...cuz u know had i done that i would have had to find a nail salon :-) ...that's all i got!

Headed to the wine country = Thurs Aug 7th

Hello everyone=
We had a great day of resting and shopping in this beautiful little gingerbread house village TELC.
Have fresh legs and are headed to Southern Bohemia and Moravia. We will visit castles today and have a private wine tour. Not sure when we will have access again...cutting through Austria and then into Hungary...

Later...we're out
N

THE FIRST TO RIDE THE SAG IS WHO....ME?.........Wed August 6th= afternoon nap time-

Hello everyone= Norma's post

Yes...it has been a rough start to our cycling journey. Two things you pay for on a tour...local guides who know the area and good equipment...we have neither...

Our ride starts off rushed. I think our guides got there late and they are already discussing where people will need to cut mileage. Now...some idea about our terrain. We are in the mountains...these are not Texas hills.

Maps were distributed and then we were told some of them had the wrong information....never you mind...when you get to the hotel we can give you our cell numbers...let's get started.

One of our guides is Janus a real slacker dude who only does this work in the spring and fall. He is responsible for cycling with the group while Martina works the van and prep.

10 miles into our ride...right after I took a fab photo, he notices I have a flat tire. He has no equipment, no tools, and he will have to ride out of the village 10K so that he can get a signal. Now the van will be here in an hour...Im so ticked because I'm dying to ride. I sit in the center of this no name village in a doorway and am interrupted by Brunhilde...who wants to know what I want..then the storm blows through and I'm thinking Moni must be having a fun ride. One hour later I am picked up by the sag {furious to be the first..how do you run a tour and not have tubes and your gear?
We pick up Moni and other riders and head to lunch...guess what there are 4 riders lost. Mary was the last one found. She not only got lost...flipped on her bike somehow and fell in a ditch=this is the person who fell again the next day and is now in a Czech hospital. Everyone is moaning at lunch about how crazy it is that all are lost. I choose to do the afternoon ride. This is the most brutal climb ever...up and up..and up...they gave us a map with the chart of elevation and it looks like an EKG? [u can read Moni's story and know where she was...

Some places I was able to control the grind up and breathe and enjoy. As we were closer to the top, deep behomian forests of trees and wind. When I finally hit the highest peak...it was an awesome feeling.
...until i didnt think I could bear it and then it peaked and the fabulous downhill started. OH SHIT I HAVE NO FRONT BRAKES...
My front brake popped out and every time I put the cable back in...it wouldn't hold. Never saw the sag so I just managed it. Rolling up and down and up and down on the road to Tabor. I wasn't really paying attention honestly and found myself riding the freeway =3K to Tabor...yes I'm here. OOPsss...nothing here matches my map so I crossed over the highway into Chotinsky? This is the village that Tarantino built...hostel...churches...no street names...garages with lots of welding equipment. Shesshhh....I was lost in and out of this village for 2 hours. No one speaks English...I don't speak Czech! I did talk to alot of people here though...they've erected a statue in my honor! One would say 10 k that way...then at that spot another would say no 10 k that way. This village was in a valley so in and out required climbing... I rode up and down for almost 2 hours...you count the miles...I had no cell phone and no phone numbers!!!!!

I finally gave up and saw a highway sign to Tabor 8 K and just started following it. Finally calmed down, relatively flat, trees and forest...

Hey, here comes Moni with the sag wagon. When I didn't show up at the rest stop, she forced Martina to go combing the streets for me. Finally, in my favorite village, a person who I had asked for directions started yelling to the van and told them which way I went. They didn't see me but Moni saw the sign and knew I would go that way. And here they are...first thing I bitched about was not their crappy directions but my piece of shit bike with no front brakes. All is well...we have decided not to let REI control our vacation and make sure we are safe. Cell phones...check...phone numbers...check...handguns...oh darn we forgot those... still I did enjoy the riding. Yesterday's ride was also brutal...climbing and more climbing...my drama yesterday is that I had another flat tire (never ever have I had a flat and now 2 days in a row) Read monis post for what happened yesterday...she in the van...we were riding the afternoon and the van never showed up to pick us up so we sucked it up and rode the optional ride to get to the hotel!!!

Mother of God...Two days of cycling in the mountains...50 miles each day...we took a rest and shopping day today. Moni has calmed down a little.

She has been such a trooper and bless her because I would now be a permanent resident of that small village. This is a pay back for all the bar fights I've broken up for her...and there have been many...even took a small clipping because she called a girl in a bar 'a nasty trick'

She's got my back...love my sister!!!!
N

Wednesday August 6th = A DAY OF REST

Norma and i have both opted not to ride today...we're taking it easy and hanging in Telc...gonna do some shopping and drinking...that's all i got!

Tuesday Aug 5th = REI FUCKING SUCKS PIG BALLS

Moni's post-
We have two passenger vans that we are using throughout this trip...One van has the trailer where all the bikes get loaded up...We start the day by riding about 15 miles to a town outside of Tabor...we get our bike gear on and someone has monkied with my seat because it's to high up and now i've got to mess with it to bring it back down...about 10 minutes into the ride a gal named Mary falls off her bike...we later find out that she has cracked her knee...the van loads her up and takes her to the hospital...now mind you this is the van that's supposed to be following us...anyway, when i first met Mary yesterday i was thrilled because she was actually someone who was more nervous than myself about riding a bike...so hey, i wasn't the biggest spaz on the block...we bicycle again this morning for about 29 miles...we stop and have a 'picnic' lunch...okay when i read that in the REI description i thought oh maybe we'd be at a park...no, just there on the side of the road...okay, suck it up and go with the flow...after we eat you can do another 20 miles or go in the van but the van is going to the hospital because the guide needs to check on Mary...no biggie we thought...so i'm in the van with Mary's brother and his wife...everyone else decides they're gonna do the 20 miles...however, since now one van is at the hospital and we're in the second van, there will be no support van for the guys on this leg of their ride...great!!!!!!....i'm riding in the van and of course the guide is lost...his name is Slavak and he does not speak English...it takes us 2 and a half hours to find the hospital...talk about burning my whole afternoon...these guides are touted on the REI site as being familiar with the region and knowing the English language...LIES!!!!!...this guide had to stop 4 times to ax for directions...at one point i have to pee...so i see a mcdonalds...yes, a mcdonalds...so i start hollering from the back of the van to stop...he doesn't understand mcdonalds....finally i have to yell 'WC', 'WC' for water closet...that he understands...good lord!...we finally get to the hospital at almost 4pm...we ck on Mary...now, her brother Phil is a heart surgeon so he's trying to talk to the docs thru the guide interpreter that had taken Mary to the hospital...his name is Jan pronounced Yon (he speaks good English)...Slavak takes off and leaves us there so he can go and pick up the other riders...so, since we had both vans the riders not only had to do the 20 miles after lunch they had no option but to do the 10 optional miles too...we finally leave the hospital around 5-30pm...i axed Jan what time is dinner he said 8pm...so i decide to eat a cliff bar so i don't get so crazy...well, guess what...Jan doesn't know the way to Telc...he's got his map out and he's got to stop and ax 3 different times for directions...it's now almost 7pm and Jan tells us we have dinner reservations and we need to be back in the van by 7-20pm...okay i'm in this van stinkin' from the morning ride and now i may not have time to shower before dinner...fuck that...i get out the van and go up to my room and take a shower...big deal we leave a little late for dinner...if i hadn't burned my whole afternoon with these 'lost' drivers i wouldn't be in this position...my issue is not with checking up on Mary at the hospital my issue is with these drivers that are supposed to know the region...so REI fucking sucks pig balls and they will get an earful from me when i get back...for dinner we had duck with cabbage...no, i did not eat the cabbage but the duck was very tasty...that's all i got!

p.s....the only czech i understood was when we were waiting for Mary in her room, there were four other beds so i hop up on one and take off my shoes and relax...the crazy nurse comes in there hollering at me in czech but i understood she wanted me to get off the clean bed...WELL!

WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO (MON AUG 4th)

Moni's post-
We started the morning off on the right foot...my stomach was in terrible knots because i didn't know what to expect...we start off in this huge parking lot so everyone can get on their bikes and try them out...i rode around in the lot and got used to the bike...after that my stomach settled and i could relax...i've become annoyed with the guides and as i post u will see why...Martina (the guide) starts off by telling us the map is wrong that she's given us and proceeds to tell us the changes we need to make...gggrrrrr....we take notes and take off riding...the cycling was challenging but we had some incredible views of the city...(really tough hills to climb)...of course me being such a spaz i would not dare get off my bike to take a picture...will have to rely on norma's photos...so there was a group of folks cycling in front of me...i was by myself in the middle and norma was in a group behind me cuz she was taking photos...about 2 hrs into the ride this huge downpour of rain starts...i felt blessed and cursed at the same time...i had run out of water so the rain helped to cool me off but i had to stop to get my rain jacket out...i took a little longer than the group in front of me and before i knew it they were outta site and i could not see them...so i'm peddling thru this huge downpour, the wind is blowing sideways...huge open areas all around me...nowhere to seek shelter so i just kept peddling...at this point i'm thinking WTF have i gotten myself into...the sag wagon that's supposed to be following us is nowhere in site...i'm really pissed at this point...finally i get to a fork in the road and i've got to decide do i go left or do i go right...the map was of no help since i had my head down in the rain and did not pay attn to the signs...i sit there at the fork in the road for about 30 min waiting for norma and the group that was behind me...well, guess what, they never showed up...finally i just decide to go left at the fork in the road...about half a mile up i come upon Dotti and Brian...they're standing there waiting for folks too...it's still raining by the way...now i'm hungry and cranky...the rain finally stops so i pull out a cliff bar...of course i'm shaking from nerves and poof the cliff bar flies out of the wrapping and onto the ground...not to worry i used the 5 second rule...Dottie found my cliff bar so i proceeded to eat it with some czech dirt...it was very tasty and i was starving so at that point i would have eaten anything...so we're there chatting and the sag wagon flies right on past us...we're like WTF...so we get on our bikes and start peddling again...none of us have any water...so that the wagon didn't even stop to check on us had me crazy...about 30 min later the sag wagon rolls right on past us again...never stopping to see if we're ready to stop cycling...now i'm really fucking crazy...we continue to ride for another 30 min and we come up on the sag wagon...at this point their ready to load us...since we lost an hour cuz of the rain we now have to be loaded up otherwise we won't make it to our lunch spot...it's almost 2pm at this point...i'm not a happy camper...so norma was the first in the sag wagon...however, in her defense she got a flat tire and the guide did not have the equipment to fix her flat...so the first time we saw the sag wagon zip by us was because he was on his way to pick up norma...the second time the sag wagon zipped past us he was on his way to what would have been our 'water' stop...we stop for lunch...at this point i've done 28 miles...the optional mileage is another 20 miles...i opt not to do this and get on the sag wagon...norma decides to do the optional mileage since she was only able to ride about 10 miles before she got a flat...i'm riding in the wagon with 3 other ladies...now we're all under the impression the wagon is taking us to the hotel...wrong...we stop at this fork in the road about 15 miles up the road...i'm like why are we stopping...oh, this is where we wait for the riders that decided to do the 20 miles...WTF...well, i've got to take a piss...i ax her where i can go to potty...she's like this town is pretty deserted so there are no places open for business...zhu got zu go wif nature...um!...i went behind a bldg that was probably a pharmacy at one time...drop my shorts and start to take a piss...thank God i had my wipes and my hand sanitizer...so the riders come by one by one...we fill up their waters and they've got about 5 more miles to go...but the reason we're at the fork in that road is because Martina forgot to tell them the map was wrong and they needed veer to the right not the left...well, guess what, norma never shows up...so we have two vans and the gals that we're with me ride back with a guide to the hotel...Martina and i proceed to look for norma...we start looking around 4pm...by 6pm i'm a complete wreck because we haven't found her...i'm wondering what time does the sun start to set...Martina pulls over cuz again, i've got to become one with nature...when we stop this lady starts hollering at me...so Martina is still in the van and i holler i think this lady is trying to tell me about my sister...martina gets out the van and sure enough this lady tells us where she saw a rider by herself and what road she saw her on...and that she had been asking for directions...she must've guessed that since i was in my cycling gear that i must be looking for other riders...well, sure enough we go down that road she tells us and there's norma just peddling along like no big deal...of course it was a big deal because she knew she had been lost for almost 2hrs and her bike had no front brakes...so, if you think i was crazy she was really nuts!..i'm telling you, the minute i saw her figure i just burst out crying...my nerves we're on edge big time...we are now carrying our cell phones on the ride and sticking with the guide no matter what...leason learned...use the buddy system...that's all i got!

p.s....when we finally found norma i had another visit with nature right there next to the van

Hello all,

I am posting this for my technically challenged wife. She wanted to make sure all of fans had a few words from her mouth directly before her sister took over the reporting. In fact she has already posted. Don Giovanni is an excellent opera. I highly recommend it. If you can't go to the opera at least rent Amadeus. Just a taste of the music, some history, no exorbitant drink prices and no bathroom lines at the intermission.

Anyway her are Olivia's words. Sorry for the time delay.

Subject line: Thursday July 31 -- We made it to Prague!

It was a brutal 17 hours spent trying to get to prague...customs was a joke...some guy just looked at my passport...didn't ax me if i had anything to declare...(otherwise i would have declared he was an idiot!)...no paperwork to fill out...oh well, these are a free people now and they'll let anyone in...had pigs leg the first day here...very tasty...had some goulash...tasty as well...have had a lot of beer...i'm ready to hit the wine country but that's not tll like day 4 or 5...I tried not to be a winey fuck...but, you'll have to wait for norma's blog...we went to this famous beer hall call U Flek U...and of course it sounds like fuck u...norma had to have said the name of that beer had 100 fucking times...finally last night i told her if she said it one more time i would decapitate her in her sleep...with my grooming scissors that is...we're acting like stooopid american tourist and riding the metro for free...that's all i got!

Stay tuned for more pearls from Det. Benson

ROCK ME AMADEUS......

Sunday August 3rd late p.m. 11ish???
We have been unable to get into the blog from our last hotel...it was locking up at the login.
I'm sure it wasn't user error...just so you know every computer we log into has different language settings...last one was czech...this one Middle Eastern?? weird squigglys on the key board....

Anyway, this is Norma and Moni is upstairs going to bed. Our ghost blogger was going to post for us on Friday but I don't see it on the site...

We are ending our days in Prague and meet our group tomorrow morning in the lobby for the start of our cycling adventure. Me...I will be very happy as my feet are worn raw from all this cobblestone street walking (I did say street walking).

This city is a photographers dream...stunningly beautiful....we are having a blast!!

So...on to my story...Last night I went to the Opera to see Mozart's 'Don Giovanni'. In case you are wondering I did go alone since this is not Moni's bag...no probs!

It was a chore worrying about whether or not I would have a ticket. I went online to buy this ticket last week. I gave them my cc information and when it came time to choose a delivery option...the normal choices weren't there. No will call...or theatre pick up? The choices were a)Vladimir will meet you in front of the theatre 30 mins before b) International mail c) Hotel delivery. I got nervous and clicked the button for contact information (expecting to see some ticketsRUs). Contact was Veronika Mlakova and gave me her home address. Unbelievable...
I never expected the tickets to arrive on Friday but they did with a personal note from Veronika. It is the new vay vhee do buziness here...do you zhee??

Nerds pay attention...all others tune out. Mozart himself premiered the opera 'Don Giovanni' here at the Estates Theatre in Prague in 1787. The movie 'Amadeus' was also filmed here. There is a sculpture in the front of the theatre of the ghost. It was amazing...there is one part where the ghost comes out and sings in a deep deep baritone 'Don Gioooovaaannnni" and then holds the note lower than you could possibly imagine. It reminds me of the Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs holds the glove lower and lower and the opera singer passes out. :P

I saw this opera about 10 years ago at the Ft. Worth Bass with my sister Ro. When they came to this part...I couldn't help but sing with him...'Don Giooovannniii". The Ft. Worth socialites gave me death looks from the opera box and I heard a few giggles too...oh wait that was Ro and I. LOL

I had my own little opera box and the lady came and let me in with a tiny key. It was amazing but the ghost had been modernized and had Vegas like fog and sound system :P

It still rocked...if i knew how to unload my camera into this hotel computer...I would.

I'm sure you will all hear about this so I'm getting my version in first. Friday night we went to the coolest Czech beer hall U Fleku ( yes...fu). You can find it in that tourist guide 1000 places to see before you die. Anyway, I'm sure you are surprised to know that I'm drinking lots of beer. Beer here is cheaper than water, coke, juice, or any other beverage.

I just love saying U Fleku, U Fleku, U Fleku, and I was driving Moni crazy with it. Just love the way it sounds fu, fu, fu...
This is a traditional beer hall and they keep bringing the beer, the guy is playing the tuba, another guy playing some accordian. People are singing (ok one drunk table), they are singing so sadly like they just got their last ration card and won't have bread or potatoes for along time.

I had lots of beers...it was fun and today began the drying out period for tomorrow's ride.
At the end of the day...I'm having more beer.
God I love vacation!
Norma

Prelude to Praha….we’re out bitches!!!!

This ones from Norma ~I've stolen Olivia's identity...ok I am the creator so I have the password...lol

July 26, 2008

Prelude to Praha….we’re out bitches!!!!

Today is our final Saturday before we leave on the 30th….Moni is standing in line at Willow Bend to get us our new Iphones…and I’m on the way to the clinic because I think I may have a touch of the flu…

We are over the top excited for this trip…no more cycling for us until we meet up with our group in Praha (get used to it that’s what they call it).

My head is spinning with what lies ahead…Prague to Budapest…physical challenge, emotional experiences, castles, disturbing history, great beer, and new friends.

I’m taking my Czech literary friends with me (if you don’t know who these people are…you really should pick up a book sometime:P Hoping to understand Kundera’s ‘Unbearable Lightness of Being” at a deeper level. I will definitely be going on the Kafka literary walks in Prague, and my favorite Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke will definitely color my perspective.

We have booked some tours and the rest we will free form it. Still need a few last minute errands and surviving work Monday and Tuesday…

Moni and I have been discussing our “ways” of traveling together and I think we are both prepared to be loose and flex to each others styles (ok I am…she is PMS’ing right now). She will still complain and moan which is ok as long as she doesn’t try to talk to me at 5 a.m. I will work on my “full of it” confidence? I think that’s a good descriptor. Don’t worry James, I will definitely describe the experience of biking with Moni…kudos to her as she has definitely calmed down the SPAZ factor. Just breathe…stay calm…and go slow…

We will post when we can…no worries…we’re out! Norma

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS

i was in Paris this weekend...Paris, Texas that is...we did this cycling gig called tour de paris...james did the 70 miler and norma and i did the 46 miler...i really had a good time...the city of paris did a great job of having the rest stations manned w/snacks and drinks...afterwards in the school gym we hung out...had massages (my poor legs cramped during the last 10 miles) and ate cheeseburgers...it was very organized and totally the opposite of the dallas gig we did a couple of months ago...also, and this is a big plus...i did not cause injury to myself or anyone else...the spaz factor has gone waaaaaaayyyyy down...i am without a doubt sure that i can do my 30 miles plus every day during my trip to europe...i've worked hard over the last year to get myself in shape to do this gig...now, i'm not saying i'm not going to whine and bitch during this vacation...that's just my charming way...i would hate to read norma's blog during this time...james of course can't wait to read what she'll post...he knows what hell it is to live with me and put up with my whining...i intend to try and find a computer that i can blog and let everyone know wassup during this trip...that's all i got!

71 AND STILL WATCHING PORN!!!

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THE ROAD TO PRAGUE

i started the week out on the right foot...this week i was to add 4 miles to my bike ride...did it on sunday and again tonight...so officially i'm up to 16 miles on the bike...i'm not feeling beat down like i was last week...tonight's ride was particularly brutal...i went to whiterock lake and the winds were pretty intense and the ride is a lot tougher than the ride in irving because it's more hills...so last week when i was averaging 12 miles a ride it was a punk ride cuz there's only one "hill" on that ride...however, as i mentioned in my last post along with the complication of staying on the bike there's also one other thing propelling me to finish the ride...in irving they have a gun range by the bike trail...let me tell you the sound of gun fire cracking off in the background is enough to spur me to finish each time i do that ride...anyone riding by me can surely smell the fear of falling off the bike and the fear of getting hit by a bullet...at least i hope that's fear they smell...oh wait, i may have pissed myself ;-)...my goal is to ride two more times this week and keep that 16 mile pace...the road to prague will not be pretty...that much time on the bike causes my va-jay-jay to be numb...that pales in comparison to what happened to my trainer on sunday...he buys a new pair of shorts to wear on his bike ride...that night he says the tip is chaffed...i take a look at it and sure enough it's got this pink hue to it...well, this morning when he showed it to me it looked like a burn...bless his little heart...that's all i got!

IF I SMELL LIKE BEN-GAY

it's only icy-hot...prague is right around the corner...i've been quite the slacker when it comes to getting on my bike and getting in gear for this trip...yesterday i went to irving and was able to do a little over 12 miles without incident...no falling off the bike...no making others crash...of course i was by myself so the spaz factor goes way down...it's when others are around me that i get very nervous and jumpy...now mind you i have been going to the gym quite a bit and keeping up the cardio...however, since my fall in early april i had not been back on the bike much less the spin bike at the gym...my knee hurt quite a bit and i was trying to let it heal...anywho, it's one thing to be in spin class and another thing entirely to be on the bike path...after spin class i don't ache the next day...in real life after bike riding my body feels like i've been hit by a truck...in spin, i can take my hands off the handle bars and even put them on my hips as i ride...looking all cute and sassy in my fashionable bike jerseys...in real life, as i make my way thru the bike trail i'm holding on for dear life and ride in such a tense mode my body aches so much afterwards...in spin, i can look around the class and make the occassional eye contact and even speak a few words...in real life, i have tunnel vision when i'm riding, and heaven forbid others come near me...i've learned to holler "on your left" while passing folks without spazzing and pulling the bike sideways...however, i have not been able to let go of the handle bars to signal which way i'm turning...God help me in prague...i'm trying to gear up to riding 30 miles per day...my trainer (James) wants me to add 4 miles to my bike ride each week from here till the end of july...we'll see if i can do it...i did a little over 9 miles this evening and could have done more but the sun was starting to set...boy, i thought was tense riding around folks...it's worse by yourself when the sun is quickly setting and i'm going through some isolated areas of the park...i'm in total freak mode...my hunny bunny says he would ride with me but i'm too slow for him...um!...first he gets me off my ass and gets me to learn to ride a bike because quote "hunny this is something we can do together...as a couple"...whatever!!!!...the only time we bike ride together is if Jacob is in the picture...then he HAS to go slow with me and the kid...i'll be very surprised if i continue to bike ride after this trip...this morning i woke up a little tender around the shoulders...geez must be that "tense" mode i rode in yesterday...i had hunny apply icy-hot and off to work i went...hmmm no one commented on my new perfume today :-)...that's all i got!

I ONLY MEANT TO FART (LOS GUEROS)

i've got a guest blogger with me tonight...since my hunny bunny knows this story first hand he's gonna help me write it...so one of my best friends...i'll call him el guero...he tells me this crazy story...now normally when people say "this happened to a friend of mine" they're really telling a story about themselves...this is NOT one of those times...so he tells me that one night he's in bed with his wife...i'll call her la guera...they're busy getting it on and at one point he tells her that he wants to fart in her face...she keeps telling him no, no, no (just like that skank whore amy winehouse in her rehab song)...but la guera is not a skank whore...just to clear that up....el guero finally just decides to mount her and fart...however, he doesn't fart...(here is where my hunny bunny takes over on the blog...)...he bears down and pops a hot steamy deuce right on her forehead. Now la guera starts to scream 'cuz it's hot and it starts to burn. (El guero can't get enough of those habaneros)

Anyway he swears he only meant to fart. I, in the interest of impartial opinions sought out the average man on the street to ask what they thought. I was repulsed and swore never to get drunk in el Guero's casa. I retold this vile tale to the shock and horror of my coworkers. Their reactions, aside from the disgust, was they all thought el guero was planning to pinch one off on the wife's head. I know that as an adult you KNOW when you have one in the chamber. I guess asking to crap on you can lead to an awkward moment in bed so just ask to fart on her and say "it slipped" sorry baby. Yeah that's the ticket. It just shot out by mistake.

that's all we got!!!

HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER

so my 47 year old brother joe calls me from the ambulance cuz he passed out at work and they take him to baylor...you'll understand why i mentioned the age in a little bit...i'm tasked with going to meet him since my office is right down the street from the hospital...when i arrive nurse focker is busy taking his vitals...again, if i new how to post a picture i would put the one i snapped of him in his hospital gown...downright scary...so the nurse leaves and i'm like what happened dude and he says he had a coughing fit at work and he passed out...so i ax him when was the last time he had a regular checkup...he says by regular do you mean going once a month....WTF...no i mean once a year ass munch!...how about NEVER...he's 47 and has never had a regular checkup...so he says he's only 30lbs overweight...aaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...he's 270lbs and he's only 30lbs overweight...what fantasyland is he living in...god if you could have seen the look on my face...then, nurse focker comes back in and he proceeds to tell nurse focker that he's only 20lbs overweight...like the nurse can't see for himself how overweight the patient is???!!!!...and where did those other 10lbs go...he lost 10lbs from the time he talked to me till the time he talked to the nurse...unfuckingbelievable...i spent 2 hrs fussing at him...i bet he wished he hadn't called me...then, my sister ginger comes by and we go get sister joe's truck from his job (we call my brothers sisters)...of course i have to drive his truck...there's no air conditioner and the truck smells of sweat...i was so disgusted!!!...so there i am trying to drive this truck and look cute and still text msg everyone the updates on the hospital visit...i'm sure i ran several red lights and the camera captured my plate number...oh, well...it's not my truck...hee-hee...we get back to the hospital and of course sister joe's gf carmen has arrived...now this is a broad that he swears he's gonna break up with but she's his emergency contact at work and they've been "breaking up" for 3 years...oh, well...then, all the blood work and xrays come back so there was no heart attack or diabetes...he just had a "panic" attack...can someone say Tony Soprano...of course they tell him to check with his regular doctor asap...so, we packed up from the hospital and went to the angry dog and had huge cheeseburgers...that's all i've got!

THINGS I HATED AND LOVED THIS PAST WEEK

here's my list of what i fucking hated this past week...

1. can the fucking price of gas keep going up?...
2. if that fake smiling, (think tom cruise and his maniacal smile) marissa on dancing with the stars doesn't get voted off i will stab my eye with a skewer
3. the devil aka oprah

and my list of what i loved this past week...

1. it was my mother's day card that i got on sunday...it was very sweet and so glad my hunny bunny recognized my efforts as a step-mommy
2. ironman...that movie rocked
3. i'm salivating for the new iphone - Oh no!!!!!

that's all i got!

IT'S NOT THE CHICKEN ASSHOLE

i work with this asshole that i will refer to as princess...why?...because he's a bitch...today was jr's last day in facilities cuz he's only here on a detail...so, we take him out to lunch...however, when princess comes around he asks me can he go to lunch with us...i say "no!"...now i've already told this asshole in the past he can't come to lunch with me because he's a complete fucking wreck when it comes to table manners and any kind of manners in general...he treats the wait staff like shit and he makes a complete fucking mess of the table with his nastee habits...what habits are those?...well for starters he likes to make lemonade by axing for a glass of water and a bowl of lemons...he then proceeds to squeeze these lemons into the water the whole time making a complete mess at the table...he just about washes his hands in the water...then, he's got a shit load of napkins strewn about where's he's wiped his nastee hands...and guess what he ALWAYS orders a chicken dish and it's NEVER made to his satisfaction...he starts poking the chicken with his fingers and he sends his dish back EVERY time...when this guy was new to the team he had to shadow me on my projects...i would cringe with embarrassment every time we had to eat because he would make a complete ass of himself in public...well, now he's no longer having to shadow me so i no longer have to put up with his bullshit...i always tell him the truth, not just what's convenient...he knows good and well why he can't come to lunch with me...however, this dick tells the new guy "oh, she doesn't want me to go to lunch because she doesn't like the way i order my food"...are you fucking serious!...i would be okay if he just told the wait staff "hey i like my chicken well done"...but the array of bullshit he brings to the table is just way to much to take...if i haven't already said so i despise this asshole...he's a complete idiot and just about once a week he asks folks how do you spell...(insert any fucking word in the dictionary here ----) and trust me i've axed him many times do you have spell check on your computer...so, it's not the chicken asshole...it's your fucking rude manners and annoying ways that keeps you from being invited to lunch...and just for the record i know ask is not spelled axe and that nastee is spelled nasty...i would hate for someone to think i was an idiot hee-hee...that's all i've got!

OKC

saturday was spent driving my mom to OKC with norma...so crack baby norma was all over my XM radio...as anyone who's been in the car with me for any amount of time knows i can't stand for the radio to be on one station for very long...so, norma was my dj and i kept hollering "DJ" every time i wanted her to change the station...so she gives off this air of being a no nonsense kinda gal...um! who knew she was such a big softie...there's a channel called "sunny" and she kept going back to it because it had music like air supply, james taylor, fleetwood mac...pretty much any guy who doesn't have a set of balls is on that station...who knew norma was such a big pussy when it comes to love songs...that was a real eye opener...i shall now turn my focus to my absolutely obnoxious sister janey...that fucker goes on and on from subject to subject without taking a breath and without letting anyone comment on anything...at one point she axed me "how is jacob holding up"...i'm thinking from what bitch because now i'm his stepmonster...gggrrrr....how is he holding up...what the fuck does that even mean!...at one point i really just wanted to hit her...i took another swig of bourbon and kept right on ignoring her...oh and the kicker she's got this huge gut okay and she's wearing this fucked up shirt that says "original designated hottie"...in her fucking dreams!...of course i took a picture of her in that shirt and if i could figure out how to post it on here i would...now that i've found an outlet for my rants i plan to just let 'er rip on this site hee-hee...that's all i've got!

pink floyd concert

first of all i don't really know pink floyd's music...i know two songs "money" and "we don't need no education"...u know what song i'm talking about...i go to the concert with my husband and 3 of his nerd buddies from work(glen, robbie and damon)...no mystery there why these 3 guys do not have girlfriends...but i'll get back to that...so there's this sea of hippies and stoners all around me...a continuous stream of smoke hangs steady in the air throughout the night...at one point robbie asks me if i want some mushrooms...i'm thinking damn dude we just ate at the burger joint...he then brings out this thing wrapped in what looks like white gauze and tries to hand it to me...i give him a look of disdain because he brings it out of his pockets...if you saw the hideous clothes this guy was wearing you would understand...he looked straight up like a drug dealer and he had dreds...did i mention robbie is white...um!...since i've never seen such a thing "mushrooms" i tell him no thank u only to see glen just about snatch it out of robbie's hands and start chewing it up...i think i threw up a little in my mouth...so they're eating mushrooms and the smoke is really heavy and a good hour goes by before i recognize one song "money"...the concert was fun and they get done singing and there's no "education" song...it was the encore song...so let me just tell u there is nothing more disturbing than seeing 50 year olds hollering "WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION"...what a bunch of freaks...so that song came out when i was in jr high...the dukes of hazaards was a big show during that time...so i used to think the song said "we don't need no education...the dukes of hazaards in the classroom"...oh, well...back to the nerds they had no problem burping or farting in front of me and robbie smelled so foul i swear he's never been introduced to deoderant...that's all i got!

Moni's world

Hello to all of Moni's friends...
I'm setting this blogspot up for Moni because I want all of you to experience the zany ness (sp?) of her world.

She is on a daily hunt for material and this is a good place for her to release all that stuff in her head.

I bear no responsibility for this site!!
Norm